Company... Halt!

Alex is almost at the end of his training - one week from tomorrow is his Turning Blue Ceremony and the next day is Graduation!  It's been an emotional time for me, so I thought I'd take some time to take a breath and reflect on the past few months.

First off, I want to thank my family and friends for their support during this time.  I hesitated doing this blog, because I thought maybe you would not want to hear me talk about every single aspect of Alex's training or every thought and emotion that popped into my head.  But I'm a firm believer in talking about your feelings, so if nothing else, it was cathartic for me.  Yet you've all been so supportive - many of you even told me you looked forward to my next blog post, so I thank you for allowing me to indulge my Mommy neuroses.

At the beginning I worried about Alex's health and his ability to withstand such rigorous training.  I also worried about his emotional well-being; could he handle the daily mental beatings handed out by the Drill Sergeants?  But I have to say, the boy surprised me.  He not only handled it, he thrived on it!!  Each letter home was more and more positive; with each phone call, he sounded more and more confident.  I shipped a scared, worried boy off to Georgia;  I've got a confident, positive, happy young man coming home.  

Facebook has also been important to me during this time - it's been a lifeline to Fort Benning.  Three pages in particular have kept me informed and feeling close to my son: the main Fort Benning page, his platoon's page, and the page of a Bible Study group Alex attended most Monday evenings (where pictures of his smiling face were often posted!!)

His platoon's page has kept us up-to-date with what the guys have been experiencing and achieving.  I'm FB friends with some other Army moms and wives, and we've all been clinging to each and every tidbit of information.  The latest info has made me particularly proud:

11/28:  "FTX...12 miler on Saturday into the Honor Hill ceremony where the guys receive their crossed-rifles. The end is in sight."

12/3: "FTX has been pretty intense. Had to pull the company out of the field Tues morning because of a major storm. Struggled to find some open land. Got the guys out yesterday afternoon. Finished up Squad tactics and now we're moving to a urban ops sight for the end...tomorrow night is the 12 miler and Honor Hill. The finish line is close."

12/6:  "The Soldiers did an amazing job Saturday night. Everyone that started the ruck march finished. The Brigade Commander commented to the guys that it was the best ruck he had seen on Sand Hill since his command began over a year ago. The newest Infantryman in the country are now cleaning gear, resting and getting ready for the Eagle Run on Friday and Graduation next week."

So that's it - he's almost done!  What an amazing four months it's been!  It's been a growth experience for Alex, certainly.  But I feel I've grown, too.  I've found out that I can let go and be proud of the young man I've raised.

I'll probably just have one more blog post after this; I'll post my thoughts on Graduation and of course, some pictures.  Thanks again for reading!!!

Bite the Bullet

Alex is now down to his last two weeks of Basic Training!!

Thankfully, he passed his final PT test, and now - according to the Fort Benning website - he will be engaging in the most difficult training of all.  The list includes such things as:

• 36 - 48 Hour Continuous Operations (The Gauntlet) - I have no idea what that is, but it's such serious stuff that it warrants its own ominous nickname. 
• Battle March and Shoot
• Five-Mile Eagle Run  
• Foot March (12 miles)
• Honor Hill Cross Rifle Ceremony
• MK-19 Machine Gun Day & Night Familiarization Fire
• Seven-Day Field Training Exercise

Graduation is Wednesday, December 15, so I just don't see how it's possible to fit all of this in within the time allotted.  But this is the Army, so I'm sure they're being pushed to hunker down, bite the bullet, and git 'er done.
For the past three months, my nerves have been shot wondering, "How is he doing?  Are his lungs okay?  Did he pass his PT test?  Did he do well on his rifle qualification?"  I haven't been able to relax, and I won't really do so until I pin the Blue Infantry Cord on his uniform.  Then I can relax.

Kinda.

Okay, not really.

I worry that he will come home, settle into work and school, and suddenly get deployed overseas (God forbid, to Afghanistan).  I realize now that Basic Training is the easy part.  The National Guard is an 8-year commitment.  I have no idea where it will take him; I just have to have faith that he's been trained by the best Army in the world and that he'll be prepared for anything.

He got a 48-hour pass over Thanksgiving, so his dad went down to see him.  He reported back to me that Alex has an increased confidence and a solid life plan in place.  Chalie said Alex is "beaming with pride and ready for the world."  Just when that begins to make me feel better, my Mommy self kicks in and once again... I worry.

So I have come to the realization that I will worry forever - it's in my nature.  It's in the nature of all mothers.  At the same time, however, I need to let go.

Guess it's time for me to bite the bullet as well.

Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving Day.  I miss my child so much and wish he were here with me today.  But he's got his Dad with him down in Georgia, so he's with someone who loves him as much as I do.  And he called last night and spoke to his grandparents, his aunts and uncle, and his little cousins.  So I'm sure he feels even a little more connected to home.

He's missing out on a lot this Thanksgiving:

• Mom Mom's delectable escarole soup
• Mom Mom's amazing stuffing (my grandmother's recipe, created more than 50 years ago)
• pumpkin pie
• playing with his little cousins
• sitting around the table and laughing with family

But he's experiencing and learning so much:

• discipline
• teamwork
• perseverance
• honor
• loyalty
• sacrifice

These are values that he will carry through the rest of his life, so missing one Thanksgiving at home seems a small price to pay.

Chalie already sent me some pictures of Alex this morning.

Alex, and his friends Dave and Tyler.  I love the beret!!!

"I'm eating donuts omg. I've never loved coffee so much lol." (Actual texts from Alex)

I'm so thankful that Chalie went down to spend this time with him.  I wish I could have afforded to go as well, but there was no way I could have done it.  Graduation is only three weeks away, so I'll see him very soon!!!

Gather your loved ones around you today and be thankful every day for the blessings God has bestowed upon you.  And be thankful for our soldiers who sacrifice to keep us all safe and free.  I know I'm thankful for mine. 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! 

For My Soldier and His Platoon Buddies

Dear Alex & Charlie Company 1-19 TF330, 3rd Platoon:

For a while now, I've been wanting to write a post specifically dedicated to all of you who are training together. However, it's proven more difficult than I'd ever have imagined. Most of my posts are written in one day, sometimes under an hour.  This post, however, has taken me more than a week to compose.  Everything I start to say seems inadequate, so I scrap it and start all over.  But I want you all to see this before Graduation, so here goes...

I am in awe of each and every one of you!!  

You have made the decision to willingly leave your loved ones and put your lives on hold so that you can train to defend your country.  Because of you, those of us at home will continue to enjoy our freedom.  What an amazing sacrifice!  Obviously, I only know my son's experience and how he came to this decision.  I know that he has always loved his country; he just 11 years old when 9/11 happened, and it affected him deeply.  The heroism and patriotism that fell over the country in the weeks and months afterward settled into his soul and became a part of him.  Your story may be similar; it may be completely different. But there was something that inspired and influenced your very difficult decision.

I can't imagine how it feels to say goodbye to your parents, your spouse, your kids, your friends and embark on one of the most difficult journeys anyone could imagine.  Once you get to Basic, you're waking up before God, running in the dark or the heat (or both), crawling through dirt and mud, enduring the gas chamber, enduring your Drill Sergeants, running until your lungs feel they're going to burst, learning how to disassemble and reassemble your rifle until you can do it blindfolded, building your bodies and your minds... all the while aching for a letter or a picture from home.

I know from Alex's letters that he hates getting up early, but he loves the training. And he keeps telling me that what constantly drives him - besides the support of family and friends at home - is the thought of when he gets his Blue Infantry Cord.  Like the proverbial carrot on the end of the stick, that braided piece of material keeps him moving forward and motivated.  I can't wait until I can put that cord on his shoulder, and I'm sure every one of you is excited to have your parent, spouse, or other loved one do the same.

I recently found this Soldier's Creed.  I don't know if they teach it to you during Basic Training, but I thought it was beautiful, so I made this to share with all of you:

"I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life."  That statement is so simple, yet so profound.  Many of us take our freedom for granted, but if it weren't for the soldiers who came before you, we wouldn't be enjoying our freedom.  And now because of you, your children and your grandchildren will continue to do so.

 

Some of you may go overseas but, God willing, most of you will serve at home, called on when you're needed most.  But no matter what, you are all SOLDIERS, and you each will learn to live by this creed.  Stand proud when you can say "I am an American Soldier."  

 

Mama Leone signing off, sending lots of love to everyone in 3rd Platoon!!  God Bless you all, and I hope to meet many of you on Graduation Day!!

HOOAH!!!  

GO GUARD!!!

Permission to speak freely?

  *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   * 

"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."  (Author Unknown)

  *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

I've done so much relaying of information about Alex's letters and phone calls, but I really haven't taken the time to relay how I'm feeling about all of this.

My main emotions are basic:  I miss him and I worry about him. It's just really hard having him away from home. Alex still lives with me, and he and I are very close; even though we butt heads a lot, we love each other like crazy.  He's my heart, and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm kinda swell.

Letting go of your child is letting go of his childhood. You carry him in your womb for 9 months (although in Alex's case, he was anxious to get out around 6-1/2 months, but that's a whole other story...), then you nourish and nurture him for his whole childhood.

You change his diapers, rock him to sleep, smell his perfect little head at least 25 times a day, marvel when he learns to crawl and then worry when he learns to walk, read his favorite story "AGAIN!," take him to the doctor umpteen times for every little ailment, teach him to count and say his alphabet, kiss his boo-boos, teach him to be respectful, send him off to school with high hopes then have to learn to deal with ADHD and all the problems that brings into your lives, deal with his temper tantrums, cry with him when someone hurts his feelings, yell at him when he needs it (and sometimes when he doesn't really but you've had a really bad day), cross your fingers and yourself when you send him off to play down the street without you for the first time, remind him to do his homework, remind him again, yell at him when he still hasn't started his homework, cry with him and feel you've crushed his heart forever when you and your husband tell him you're getting divorced, feel your heart stop when your ex-husband calls and says he's taking him to the emergency room, feel your heart stop again when you find his lung has collapsed and he's going to need surgery, joke with him in pre-OP to keep him calm then kiss him goodbye and cry your eyes out after they wheel him to the OR, wring your hands and pray while he's in surgery, almost pass out when you see him in recovery wearing an oxygen mask, take turns sleeping next to his bed for the next few nights, go through it all again two months later when they repair the other lung, then stand proud and cry your eyes out the day he graduates high school.

Then you think "Well, I've done my job," and that now you won't have to worry quite so much. He's a young man now; you expect to be able to let go.  But, as John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." 

My baby is now a young man, but he still needs me, and I guess he always will to some degree. Right now I can't be there to nourish, but I nurture remotely, through my almost-daily letters and cards. I encourage, I uplift, I inform, I humor... I mother.  Good to know I'm still needed.

 (Thanks to Kaitlyn Daniels, wife of Alex's platoon buddy Dave Daniels, for the quote!)

4-Hour Pass

I JUST TALKED TO ALEX - AGAIN!!

He had a 4-hour pass today, so he was in the PX eating a cheesburger and fries and calling everyone he could get a hold of!  As on Monday, he sounds great - still just concerned about PT.  When Alex was little, he didn't like to practice anything - he wanted to do it perfectly right away, so I can understand why he's frustrated.  He also used to give up if he couldn't do it right he first time, so I give him a lot of credit for working so hard at it!!  Of course, he should have worked on his endurance before he left for Basic, but he knows that.  He'll get there, I know.

We talked for more than half an hour - it was so nice to have a leisurely talk for a change.  He told me all about his rifle training. He said he sucked when he first did it, but he's getting progressively better. He's saving his targets to show his dad when he gets home. I told him that his father has always gotten an "Expert Marksmanship" every year he requalifies, so he should work hard to show him up!! ;-)

He said he's going to go to Bible Study again, and he did attend a Protestant service one Sunday - he said it was "awesome! Much better than Catholic Church."  Yikes!!  I told him please just don't convert while he's there - his grandmother will have a stroke!  But I'm happy that he's going to any service at all.

It's a good thing he's spending a lot of time with God, because apparently, there is a lot of cursing and salty language in the Army! He said he was trying very, very hard to control his tongue while he was talking to me.  Even one of their cadences is "F***, F***, F***ity, F***"!!  Oh, those crazy drill sergeants!!!

Speaking of which - he's really upset because his favorite drill sergeant just got reassigned to another platoon. He likes the other guys, but Alex just felt a special affinity with this particular DS.  I can't believe they would do that in the middle of traning, but I guess one doesn't question the Army.

I'm still so excited that I can't remember the half of what we talked about, so I may update this post.  Just wanted to spread the joy!!

This has been such a great week; I talked to Alex twice and got to see pictures of him - I'm in Mommy heaven!!

* * * * *
He just sent me a picture!

Communication Received!

Alex called me this evening!!

I told him I didn't expect to hear from him on a Monday (usually they let them call on Sundays), and he said they were all surprised, too when the drill sergeants told them they could call home.

He sounded really good and very happy!  He said he loves the training although he's still having a little trouble with his endurance in PT.  As soon as he said that, I immediately asked about his lungs, but he said that he's fine - it's just that he's still getting into shape.  He can do 48 sit-ups now and today he ran 2 miles without getting winded, but he still has a long way to go.

He said he went to a Bible Study today and that they took pictures. I just checked, and here he is!!!

Alex and his friend Dave Daniels at Bible Study

Oh my!!!  Look at that shaved head and huge glasses (they call them BCGs: Birth Control Glasses, LOL!!)  At least he had dark glasses before, so he doesn't look too different.  And look - he loves his mommy!!!!

We weren't able to talk long, but it was so wonderful hearing his voice!! And now it's wonderful to see his face!!!

Forward, Harch!!

Just got a letter from Alex, and he is moving forward in his training and doing better!

He says "I wake up every day and hate it here. But by the end of morning PT and breakfast, I'm okay. It's just the fact that I'm not a morning person. I'm so used to going to bed at 4 a.m., not waking up then."  He's not kidding about that! When he's not working, he will often stay up most of the night and sleep most of the day.  I was just hoping he'd be used to it by now, but honestly, who could get used to being forcibly woken up at 4 a.m. every day??

He likes the training and most of the people, but he says it's still so hard.  He said most of his drill sergeants are cool; he's looking forward to introducing me to them at graduation.

I was trying not to write him everyday because I didn't want him to get "smoked" (they make them do pushups for every letter they get; don't ask me to explain - it's the Army), but apparently he wants me to:  "Getting mail is the highlight of my day... So please write me a lot." 

And I'm sure he'd want to hear from anyone else who would like to write him or just send him a card of encouragement:

PVT. LEONE, ALEXANDER #319
CHARLIE COMPANY 1-19 IN, TF330
5550 LEONARD DRIVE
FORT BENNING, GA  31905

**Put a blue box around the address and a blue "3" on the

back, right side of the envelope**



I'm going to try to start writing him every day now, even if there's nothing exciting to report.  Then again... we have the Phillies!! I'm already keeping him posted about that.  His letter actually began:  "Good to hear about the Phillies winning the NL East for a 4th time in a row!"  It's so weird to think that they are so cut off from the world - he has no idea what's going on.  My last letter told him about Halladay's no-hitter! I can't wait until he hears about that!  I want him to have bragging rights in the barracks!

I'm so relieved to hear that he's doing better; it's been killing me not knowing for sure.

Fall Back

Apparently, at some point, every soldier in Basic Training writes home saying that they hate the Army, and that they want out.  Well, yesterday I got the letter from Alex. "Dear Mommy," it begins, "I hate it here."  The fact that he called me "Mommy" shows that it's pretty bad. He only calls me that when he wants something, when he's sick, or when he's really sad. It goes on to say that he feels like he's in a prison, that he has no freedom. He said he feels he can handle it physically, but not emotionally. He misses home; he dreams of home. He wishes he could just quit, but he can't. And again, he doesn't want to disappoint his father and me. I cried my eyes out reading how unhappy he is.

My first reaction was to get on a plane, fly down to Georgia, and shake my mommy finger in the face of his CO.  "My boy is not happy, so I'm taking him home! He doesn't want to play anymore."  My second reaction was to just respond to him, "Well, you knew what you were signing up for. Lighten up, Francis!"

All I can say is thank God I've been poking around online and reading everything I could about being an Army parent because I learned that this is normal and expected. One man even said that if you don't want to get out at some point, there's something wrong with you.  It's all part of the process - they tear you down and then build you up into something better than you were before.

I also learned exactly how to answer him. First, sympathize with how he's feeling, but don't dwell on it. Give him support, remind him why he chose this. Then change the subject to something lighthearted and fun.  So I did exactly that, and thank God the Phils won the NL East because not only did I have stuff to tell him, I had pictures, too! I took pictures off the television of the celebrations and printed out a few for him to see. And then I poked fun at myself, "Yes, I took pictures off the television. Yes, I know, I am a dork!"  It always makes him feel better to laugh at his dorky mother!

The letter was dated on Friday, September 24, so I'm hoping and praying that he's already doing better, and that by the time my letter reaches him, he's laughing about it.  I know that if he was really in a bad way, they would have contacted me.

It's funny - new parents always think they have it so hard. Staying up all night with a crying baby... the terrible twos... your kid picking up every illness possible in pre-school...  Those are the easy parts of raising a child. It's easy to take care of them, nurture them, and protect them.  The hard part is hoping you've done the best you can and then just... letting go.

*** UPDATE ***

Just got this email from Janet:

"we just got letters from alex! they were so sweet. he sent one to me and randy and one to the kids. he told the kids about one of the drill sergeants there who everyone says looks like buzz lightyear. and alex says he really does! he said the guy walked by his platoon and they sounded off with "to infinity and beyond!" the guy wasn't amused! then someone took down a picture of the drill sergeant and replaced it with a picture of buzz. the kids loved that story! meanwhile, he told us that it's really hard and told us all about the awful gas chamber thing. overall, he sounded good. the letters were dated the 25th, so i don't know if that's before or after the letter he wrote to you. we'll send our letters back right away."

I really hope this means he was feeling better about things by the next day. Janet doesn't think he was hiding anything in his letter to her and Randy. He told them about the gas chamber (which he didn't even tell me about), so he wasn't sugar coating anything. Fingers crossed!

Mail Call and Sick Call

I got my first letter from Alex over the weekend!! I'll share a bit of it here:

"Right now we haven't done too much. So far we've done a lot of PT and some team-building skills...  Today we did the Eagle Tower. It's like a giant 80 foot wood tower and one one side there's a huge cargo net to climb down. Then, my favorite. On the other side is a giant wall that you do a tactical rappel down. It was scary at first, but once I got it figured out, I had so much fun!"

Alex has always wanted to rappel down a building - between that and getting his rifle, he's in hog heaven!!

"Also, I hear we have the [tear] gas chamber this coming Thursday. However, I may miss it because I'll be on sick call for a while. I woke up this morning and felt like absolute crap - my throat is core, my nose is clogged, and I have chills when it's like 90º outside. I hope I don't have to recycle, but they're making me go so everyone else doesn't get sick."

Awww... my baby is sick - far, far away from home!  Sorry, that sent me into full on, overblown Mommy mode!!  The Army medical staff won't be able to take good enough care of him.  They don't know what kind of Gatorade he likes best.  They don't have the recipe for Mom Mom's soup.  I'll bet there's no TV in sick call - who's going to sit with him and watch old '70s TV shows on TV Land?  And it's killing me that I can't call him to ask how he's feeling.

And I certainly hope he doesn't have to recycle - I know he's not very far in, but it would be a shame to have to start over. And then he probably wouldn't graduate before Christmas!  Now I really can't wait to get a second letter. He said he'd keep me updated.

Thanks, as always, for letting me share!!

Uncle Hulka?

The "Big Toe"

"Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same."

 Alex has learned Lesson #1:  The US Army is nothing like Stripes, and his Drill Sergeants are not like "Uncle Hulka."

Alex called last night.  On Friday they took the bus from Reception down range to where the real training starts.  He said as they got off the bus, they were greeted with shouts of "GET OFF THE BUS!! MOVE IT!!" while smoke bombs and flash bangs were being set off around them. Their duffle bags were dumped in a pile, and they had to try to find theirs through the smoke, and line up.

"It was awesome!" is exactly what he said.

Alex sounded so good!! He said was psyched because he had just been issued his rifle.  I asked him if he liked the training so far and he said he loves it and hates it. I told him that was perfectly normal and to be expected.  He also said the drill sergeants are "dicks."  (He apologized for his language, but I let it go!)  But he said they are also really nice guys. The drill sergeants rag on the National Guard guys, and then later tell them that they really respect what the Guard does.  He knows that it's all an act to tear them down and then build them up - he's dealing okay with it. 

He couldn't really talk long and he probably won't be able to call again until White Phase is over, which is about three weeks. We were about to hang up when he said, "Wait, I want to say something."  He then proceeded to tell me that after the first day, he was ready to quit. But then he thought of me and his father, and he didn't want to let us down. He said he's quit so many things in his life - wanting to be a filmmaker, school, his job - that he didn't want to disappoint us again.  I told him that if he quit, he wouldn't disappoint us, he'd be disappointing himself.  I told him how proud of him his father and I are, and that to just keep trying his best. Of course, I was crying by the time we hung up - I am so very proud of him!!!

I worry about him every day:  I worry about his lungs holding out; I worry about him missing home; I worry about his mental health; I worry about him coming home, starting school, and then getting deployed to Afghanistan...  But I know this is also an amazing time in his life, and that no matter what, he'll be fine because he's growing into a man with ambition and conviction - and he's got such a good, loving heart on top of it all!

I'm writing to him today and will include any well wishes in my letter. Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement you've all been giving to Alex, and to me as well!!

Locked and Loaded

Alex is heading "down range" today, which means that he's moving out of the holding pattern of Reception and is finally starting his training. His dog tags are around his neck, his hair is freshly cut, his duffle bag is packed, and he's ready to start!

I talked to him a lot while he was in Reception, and I sensed a mixture of emotions from him: excitement, boredom, fatigue, happiness, worry, fear, anticipation...  but the main thing that struck me is how different he sounded. He didn't sound as goofy as he normally does - he sounded very chill and very mature. He sounded like a MAN, and I have to admit, it kinda freaked me out.

I asked him last night if he was holding back on the phone because he's with a bunch of people he doesn't really know well.  But he said they're all a bunch of goofs and that he wasn't holding back. It's weird that even though he hasn't yet started the hard part of his training, he already sounds different.  Admittedly, I've been a bit of an overprotective mother, so I attribute it to his really being on his own for the first time. I think he's finally enjoying some independence. He also is very aware of how important and serious this whole experience is, and he's ready to face his future.

Once again - shock and awe.

He also told me some really wonderful news - they moved up his graduation to the week before Christmas. So when he comes home, he'll stay for good!  It will make Christmastime a little crazy for me, but I don't care - I already got my Christmas present!!

At Ease

Alex is being eased into Army life.  He hasn't started Basic Training yet - he's still in Reception, which, according to the Fort Benning website, is where my son is being "received and processed."  He is also beginning the "Soldierization process."  As my sister Janet said, he's being SOLDIERIZED FOR OUR PROTECTION!!

Apparently, part of the receiving and processing and solderizing involves my son hanging out in his bunk a lot and eating cheeseburgers, corn dogs, ribs, and biscuits that are so delicious, you don't even need to butter them. 

I will be joining the National Guard next week.

In between the eating and the laying around, he's bored out of his skull.  He has actually been calling me just to talk.  He called my mother last night also just to talk - of course, it involved him talking and her crying. 

I asked him if they're at least making them do PT, but he said not yet. I told him he should probably start running off the biscuits and corn dogs on his own.

However, all of this will change very soon - it looks like he's going into Basic on Friday.  I imagine there will be no laying around, no ribs,  no buttery biscuits.  They're buttering HIM up right now, just to tear him down soon.

I hope to talk to him at least one more time before he goes incommunicado.  He promises to write a lot!  We'll see if he has the energy to pick up a pen once he gets started. 

Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen

Okay, that title's a little dramatic, but it worked for M*A*S*H, and it's in keeping with the military theme I'm going for.

I just wanted to share a couple of pictures I took the night Alex left for Basic.  My family came over to wish him well, and a couple of his buddies stopped by, too.

Red, white and blue sprinkled cupcakes with Army Men. Appropriate, no?

Alex and Cousin Lisa

Alex and Aunt Joanie

Mom Mom was about to kiss him, but I just missed it.  She held it together amazing well - better than I did. We cried together over the phone the next morning.  I'm sorry I didn't get a picture with Pop Pop.

Most of Alex's friends have left for school, but Greg and Dave were able to stop by. They've been friends since middle school. One of Alex's other best buds is already at Fort Benning. I hope they run into each other while they're there!

I had completely forgotten to ask someone to take my picture with Alex, so he snapped this right before we walked out the door. Yes, I had already been crying.

I dropped Alex off at the hotel where he had to stay overnight (Crowne Plaza in Cherry Hill - not too shabby for the military!).  I cried a little when I kissed and hugged him goodbye, but I fell apart in the parking lot.  I had to sit and cry for a few minutes before I could even drive home.

It's a tough thing, saying goodbye to your baby.  We all know it's going to happen someday, but we're never fully prepared for the feeling.  I just keep telling myself that he's doing something that makes him happy and proud, and no mother could ask for more.

Hooah, schmook!!! I love you!!

Move 'em out...

After the preparation, anticipation, and vacation, the time has come for resignation:  tomorrow, Alex begins his career with the Army National Guard.  I dropped him off about an hour ago.  The nest is officially empty.

I thought my first post after he was gone would be filled with philosophical musings, but right now I just feel two basic emotions:  sadness and pride.  I will miss my boy more than I can say, but I am so proud of what he's doing and the man he's becoming.  He's got a world of possibilities ahead of him - what an exciting time in his life!!

*** UPDATE: Wednesday, September 8 ***

Alex unexpectedly went straight to Fort Benning today. He was supposed to stay at Fort Dix in NJ for about a week. Instead, they flew them down to Georgia this afternoon.  Not sure when I'll hear from him again.

About Face

Just a quick update…

Things are calmer in the nest these days. It could be due to the fact that Alex knows I’ve aired our dirty laundry in front of the whole world (well… at least in front of the handful of people who read this). Or it could be because we’re winding down to his last days at home.

Is this why we’re getting along better now?? All I know is, in the last few days, the following miracles have occurred:

• We have stopped arguing about every little nitpicking thing.
• He went to his father’s fiancée’s house for the first time and was, in Chalie’s words, “a perfect gentleman.” I know that couldn’t have been particularly easy for him, so I’m really proud that he made the effort.
• Sunday night, I came home from the shore to a sink full of dirty dishes. When I asked him to clean up, he did so without an argument – even going so far as scrubbing the stainless steel sink until it was gleaming!

I think the reality of it all is hitting him hard now. His friend Chris left for Basic Training today, so he knows his time is very close now. We’re going on a family vacation next week to Orlando, so when we get back, he’ll only have a few days to spend with family and friends before he has to leave.

Alex is realizing how cut off he’s going to be, not just from family and friends, but from other things he enjoys. He’ll have no cell phone and no Internet access. That means he will be completely cut off from his friends. They are a really tight bunch of guys – they have been since middle school. So for him to be cut off from them is almost as bad as being cut off from his family. Ok, who am I kidding? It’s probably worse.

Battle Fatigue

I have just one more month with Alex until he leaves. I can’t believe he won’t be around for four months. We probably haven’t been apart more than a week or two since he was born, so the thought of four long months without seeing that handsome, scruffy face is hard to imagine. (It’s also hard to imagine that his face won’t be scruffy for four months!)

This last period of time together hasn’t been at all what I expected. I thought that in anticipation of being separated for a long time, we’d try to enjoy a little more quality time together. Now, I’m not stupid… I know a 20-year old young man doesn’t want to hang with his mother all the time, but he’s always enjoyed hanging with me a little. We have a similar sense of humor, so we can sit and watch TV and laugh together. Occasionally I can even get him to eat a meal with me in public. But now, when we’re together, what do we do? We fight – pretty much all the time – about everything and nothing.

In the last month, here is just a sampling of what we’ve fought about when we’re actually together in the same room or the same car:

1. what to eat 
2. what to watch on TV 
3. how loud the volume is on his computer while I’m trying to watch TV in the living room 
4. how loud he plays his music in the car
5. why it’s an act of common courtesy to let me know where he’s going and what time he’ll be home
6. the lack of soda in the apartment
7. what kind of music to play in the car (Is it wrong of me to ask “Play anything you want except rap?” There’s only so much Jay-Z I can take on a ride to the shore)
8. I've breathed
9. I've uttered his name 
10. I exist

Numbers 2 and 3 usually result in me getting pissed off, and going into my bedroom to watch TV. And okay, I’m exaggerating about numbers 8-10. Kinda.

Consequently, I feel like we’re just wasting our precious time until he has to go. But I think this is pretty normal; I remember him going through something similar when his friend Kaitlyn was leaving for college last year. They fought non-stop until she left, and then they missed each other terribly once she was gone.

I think we create these arguments over nothing in order to start protecting ourselves from the inevitable. Baby Bird is ready to leave the nest, but he’s going to go out kicking and screaming. And Mama Bird is having a hell of a hard time letting go and pushing him out.

We’ll get through this, I know. But in the meantime, I’m just so tired of fighting! Before September 7th rolls around, I just want to get in as many laughs as I can (and maybe even a few hugs). Is that too much for Mama Bird to ask??

Shock and Awe

When Alex was little, he said he wanted to be a cop, like Daddy. We thought it was cute, but tried to steer him in another direction. He was artistic and creative, so for a long time, he said he was going to film school. That made me happy – being a director isn’t dangerous. Unless, of course, you get hit in the head with a boom mic or if one of your actors is Lindsay Lohan or Mel Gibson. Later he decided he was going to be an audio engineer. That lasted less than a semester. When he quit school, he started working a security job. He started talking about applying to Philly Police when he was old enough. Eventually, he filled out an application without telling me first. I was shocked, upset, and scared.

When Philadelphia Police Officer John Pawlowski died last year, I cried like a baby and said, "You can't do it, it’s too dangerous! Please don't do this!" But hugged me, cried with me, looked me dead in the eye said, "Mom, I HAVE to do it." The quiet passion in his voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

I was in awe.

A few months ago, the City of Philadelphia made budget cutbacks and they weren’t hiring new police. Alex had been scheduled to take the police test, but when that didn’t pan out, he announced he was going to join the Army National Guard. I immediately responded with shock, disbelief and - I'll admit - some anger. He told me all of his reasons - it's a good road to becoming a police officer... he'll go back to college (fully paid for by the Army!)... it will help him mature...  All very good reasons, true. But I felt he made the decision too quickly. I selfishly kept thinking things like "How could he do this to me?" "What if he gets deployed to Afghanistan?" "Mom Mom will keel over from a heart attack when she hears this!"
In fact, we didn't tell my mother right away. He wanted to tell her himself. And he did try. But in the end, he didn't want to upset her (and possibly be the one to cause the heart attack). So I played bad cop and told her. At first she was upset, and of course she cried. But eventually she said, "What can you do? He's a grown man." My mother is the wisest woman I know.

Of course, I was proud of him, but I kept wondering why he was doing this to me. And then he went on his first RSP weekend. RSP - Recruit Sustainment Program - is for recruits who are not heading to Basic Training immediately. It's to familiarize them with the rules of the National Guard and prepare them for the intensive training that is ahead of them.

I worried about my boy that whole weekend; he's not particularly athletic, he's had health problems in the past, and he's inherently lazy. How the hell was he going to handle this? I was still down the shore when he got home Sunday afternoon, so when he called me I fully expected to hear "It was hard!" "It was so freaking hot!" "The drill sergeants yelled at me!" Instead, when I asked how it was, he replied, "Fun!" Fun?? Seriously???

Wow.

When I finally saw him, he was beaming. He stood proudly in his newly issued uniform, ramrod straight, and saluted me. And then proceeded to make fun of me when I cried. Hey, I didn't expect him to change overnight!

But the more he talks about the National Guard, his excitement to start Basic Training, and his future, the more I am in awe of my boy. Correction - my young man. He went through a rough time in his life when his father and I divorced. He could have turned to crime or drugs. He could have run away from home. But this amazing young man wants to serve his country, and eventually, the community.

I'm in awe.

Why blog?

I guess it’s best to start by explaining why I’m doing this blogging thing. Here goes…

I deal with my feelings by talking them out instead of holding them in - sometimes to a fault, but that’s just the way I’m built. Talking to my family and friends got me through the scariest part of my life, so like it or not, here I am, talking again. But why not just talk? Why blog? Well, eventually, I want to use the blog as a forum for keeping family and friends informed about how Alex is doing at Fort Benning. Anyone who knows me well knows I hate talking on the phone, so I really don’t relish the thought of calling several people and relaying the same story over and over and over.

Also, I hope that people will leave messages for Alex, which I’ll pass along to him. During basic training, he’s pretty much only allowed to communicate with us through letters. I doubt he’ll write many himself, but from what I’ve seen on Army forums, the recruits treasure hearing stories and words of encouragement from back home.

Oh, and what’s “hooah,” you ask? It’s what they shout in the Army; it’s an expression of high morale, strength and confidence. I found this on goarmyparents.com: Former Army Chief of Staff Gen. Gordon R. Sullivan has his interpretation. "It means we have broken the mold. We are battle focused. Hooah says ‘Look at me. I'm a warrior. I'm ready. Sergeants trained me to standard. I serve America every day, all the way.'"

That's gonna be my boy - a warrior! I'm so proud!

HOOAH!