Shock and Awe

When Alex was little, he said he wanted to be a cop, like Daddy. We thought it was cute, but tried to steer him in another direction. He was artistic and creative, so for a long time, he said he was going to film school. That made me happy – being a director isn’t dangerous. Unless, of course, you get hit in the head with a boom mic or if one of your actors is Lindsay Lohan or Mel Gibson. Later he decided he was going to be an audio engineer. That lasted less than a semester. When he quit school, he started working a security job. He started talking about applying to Philly Police when he was old enough. Eventually, he filled out an application without telling me first. I was shocked, upset, and scared.

When Philadelphia Police Officer John Pawlowski died last year, I cried like a baby and said, "You can't do it, it’s too dangerous! Please don't do this!" But hugged me, cried with me, looked me dead in the eye said, "Mom, I HAVE to do it." The quiet passion in his voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

I was in awe.

A few months ago, the City of Philadelphia made budget cutbacks and they weren’t hiring new police. Alex had been scheduled to take the police test, but when that didn’t pan out, he announced he was going to join the Army National Guard. I immediately responded with shock, disbelief and - I'll admit - some anger. He told me all of his reasons - it's a good road to becoming a police officer... he'll go back to college (fully paid for by the Army!)... it will help him mature...  All very good reasons, true. But I felt he made the decision too quickly. I selfishly kept thinking things like "How could he do this to me?" "What if he gets deployed to Afghanistan?" "Mom Mom will keel over from a heart attack when she hears this!"
In fact, we didn't tell my mother right away. He wanted to tell her himself. And he did try. But in the end, he didn't want to upset her (and possibly be the one to cause the heart attack). So I played bad cop and told her. At first she was upset, and of course she cried. But eventually she said, "What can you do? He's a grown man." My mother is the wisest woman I know.

Of course, I was proud of him, but I kept wondering why he was doing this to me. And then he went on his first RSP weekend. RSP - Recruit Sustainment Program - is for recruits who are not heading to Basic Training immediately. It's to familiarize them with the rules of the National Guard and prepare them for the intensive training that is ahead of them.

I worried about my boy that whole weekend; he's not particularly athletic, he's had health problems in the past, and he's inherently lazy. How the hell was he going to handle this? I was still down the shore when he got home Sunday afternoon, so when he called me I fully expected to hear "It was hard!" "It was so freaking hot!" "The drill sergeants yelled at me!" Instead, when I asked how it was, he replied, "Fun!" Fun?? Seriously???

Wow.

When I finally saw him, he was beaming. He stood proudly in his newly issued uniform, ramrod straight, and saluted me. And then proceeded to make fun of me when I cried. Hey, I didn't expect him to change overnight!

But the more he talks about the National Guard, his excitement to start Basic Training, and his future, the more I am in awe of my boy. Correction - my young man. He went through a rough time in his life when his father and I divorced. He could have turned to crime or drugs. He could have run away from home. But this amazing young man wants to serve his country, and eventually, the community.

I'm in awe.