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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

About Face

Just a quick update…

Things are calmer in the nest these days. It could be due to the fact that Alex knows I’ve aired our dirty laundry in front of the whole world (well… at least in front of the handful of people who read this). Or it could be because we’re winding down to his last days at home.

Is this why we’re getting along better now?? All I know is, in the last few days, the following miracles have occurred:
  • We have stopped arguing about every little nitpicking thing.
  • He went to his father’s fiancĂ©e’s house for the first time and was, in Chalie’s words, “a perfect gentleman.” I know that couldn’t have been particularly easy for him, so I’m really proud that he made the effort.
  • Sunday night, I came home from the shore to a sink full of dirty dishes. When I asked him to clean up, he did so without an argument – even going so far as scrubbing the stainless steel sink until it was gleaming!

I think the reality of it all is hitting him hard now. His friend Chris left for Basic Training today, so he knows his time is very close now. We’re going on a family vacation next week to Orlando, so when we get back, he’ll only have a few days to spend with family and friends before he has to leave.

Alex is realizing how cut off he’s going to be, not just from family and friends, but from other things he enjoys. He’ll have no cell phone and no Internet access. That means he will be completely cut off from his friends. They are a really tight bunch of guys – they have been since middle school. So for him to be cut off from them is almost as bad as being cut off from his family. Ok, who am I kidding? It’s probably worse.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Battle Fatigue

I have just one more month with Alex until he leaves. I can’t believe he won’t be around for four months. We probably haven’t been apart more than a week or two since he was born, so the thought of four long months without seeing that handsome, scruffy face is hard to imagine. (It’s also hard to imagine that his face won’t be scruffy for four months!)

This last period of time together hasn’t been at all what I expected. I thought that in anticipation of being separated for a long time, we’d try to enjoy a little more quality time together. Now, I’m not stupid… I know a 20-year old young man doesn’t want to hang with his mother all the time, but he’s always enjoyed hanging with me a little. We have a similar sense of humor, so we can sit and watch TV and laugh together. Occasionally I can even get him to eat a meal with me in public. But now, when we’re together, what do we do? We fight – pretty much all the time – about everything and nothing.

In the last month, here is just a sampling of what we’ve fought about when we’re actually together in the same room or the same car:
  1. what to eat 
  2. what to watch on TV 
  3. how loud the volume is on his computer while I’m trying to watch TV in the living room 
  4. how loud he plays his music in the car
  5. why it’s an act of common courtesy to let me know where he’s going and what time he’ll be home
  6. the lack of soda in the apartment
  7. what kind of music to play in the car (Is it wrong of me to ask “Play anything you want except rap?” There’s only so much Jay-Z I can take on a ride to the shore)
  8. I've breathed
  9. I've uttered his name 
  10. I exist
Numbers 2 and 3 usually result in me getting pissed off, and going into my bedroom to watch TV. And okay, I’m exaggerating about numbers 8-10. Kinda.

Consequently, I feel like we’re just wasting our precious time until he has to go. But I think this is pretty normal; I remember him going through something similar when his friend Kaitlyn was leaving for college last year. They fought non-stop until she left, and then they missed each other terribly once she was gone.

I think we create these arguments over nothing in order to start protecting ourselves from the inevitable. Baby Bird is ready to leave the nest, but he’s going to go out kicking and screaming. And Mama Bird is having a hell of a hard time letting go and pushing him out.



We’ll get through this, I know. But in the meantime, I’m just so tired of fighting! Before September 7th rolls around, I just want to get in as many laughs as I can (and maybe even a few hugs). Is that too much for Mama Bird to ask??

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Shock and Awe

When Alex was little, he said he wanted to be a cop, like Daddy. We thought it was cute, but tried to steer him in another direction. He was artistic and creative, so for a long time, he said he was going to film school. That made me happy – being a director isn’t dangerous. Unless, of course, you get hit in the head with a boom mic or if one of your actors is Lindsay Lohan or Mel Gibson. Later he decided he was going to be an audio engineer. That lasted less than a semester. When he quit school, he started working a security job. He started talking about applying to Philly Police when he was old enough. Eventually, he filled out an application without telling me first. I was shocked, upset, and scared.

When Philadelphia Police Officer John Pawlowski died last year, I cried like a baby and said, "You can't do it, it’s too dangerous! Please don't do this!" But hugged me, cried with me, looked me dead in the eye said, "Mom, I HAVE to do it." The quiet passion in his voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

I was in awe.

A few months ago, the City of Philadelphia made budget cutbacks and they weren’t hiring new police. Alex had been scheduled to take the police test, but when that didn’t pan out, he announced he was going to join the Army National Guard. I immediately responded with shock, disbelief and - I'll admit - some anger. He told me all of his reasons - it's a good road to becoming a police officer... he'll go back to college (fully paid for by the Army!)... it will help him mature...  All very good reasons, true. But I felt he made the decision too quickly. I selfishly kept thinking things like "How could he do this to me?" "What if he gets deployed to Afghanistan?" "Mom Mom will keel over from a heart attack when she hears this!"
In fact, we didn't tell my mother right away. He wanted to tell her himself. And he did try. But in the end, he didn't want to upset her (and possibly be the one to cause the heart attack). So I played bad cop and told her. At first she was upset, and of course she cried. But eventually she said, "What can you do? He's a grown man." My mother is the wisest woman I know.

Of course, I was proud of him, but I kept wondering why he was doing this to me. And then he went on his first RSP weekend. RSP - Recruit Sustainment Program - is for recruits who are not heading to Basic Training immediately. It's to familiarize them with the rules of the National Guard and prepare them for the intensive training that is ahead of them.

I worried about my boy that whole weekend; he's not particularly athletic, he's had health problems in the past, and he's inherently lazy. How the hell was he going to handle this? I was still down the shore when he got home Sunday afternoon, so when he called me I fully expected to hear "It was hard!" "It was so freaking hot!" "The drill sergeants yelled at me!" Instead, when I asked how it was, he replied, "Fun!" Fun?? Seriously???

Wow.

When I finally saw him, he was beaming. He stood proudly in his newly issued uniform, ramrod straight, and saluted me. And then proceeded to make fun of me when I cried. Hey, I didn't expect him to change overnight!

But the more he talks about the National Guard, his excitement to start Basic Training, and his future, the more I am in awe of my boy. Correction - my young man. He went through a rough time in his life when his father and I divorced. He could have turned to crime or drugs. He could have run away from home. But this amazing young man wants to serve his country, and eventually, the community.

I'm in awe.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Why blog?

I guess it’s best to start by explaining why I’m doing this blogging thing. Here goes…

I deal with my feelings by talking them out instead of holding them in - sometimes to a fault, but that’s just the way I’m built. Talking to my family and friends got me through the scariest part of my life, so like it or not, here I am, talking again. But why not just talk? Why blog? Well, eventually, I want to use the blog as a forum for keeping family and friends informed about how Alex is doing at Fort Benning. Anyone who knows me well knows I hate talking on the phone, so I really don’t relish the thought of calling several people and relaying the same story over and over and over.

Also, I hope that people will leave messages for Alex, which I’ll pass along to him. During basic training, he’s pretty much only allowed to communicate with us through letters. I doubt he’ll write many himself, but from what I’ve seen on Army forums, the recruits treasure hearing stories and words of encouragement from back home.

Oh, and what’s “hooah,” you ask? It’s what they shout in the Army; it’s an expression of high morale, strength and confidence. I found this on goarmyparents.com: Former Army Chief of Staff Gen. Gordon R. Sullivan has his interpretation. "It means we have broken the mold. We are battle focused. Hooah says ‘Look at me. I'm a warrior. I'm ready. Sergeants trained me to standard. I serve America every day, all the way.'"

That's gonna be my boy - a warrior! I'm so proud!

HOOAH!