Permission to speak freely?

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"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."  (Author Unknown)

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I've done so much relaying of information about Alex's letters and phone calls, but I really haven't taken the time to relay how I'm feeling about all of this.

My main emotions are basic:  I miss him and I worry about him. It's just really hard having him away from home. Alex still lives with me, and he and I are very close; even though we butt heads a lot, we love each other like crazy.  He's my heart, and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm kinda swell.

Letting go of your child is letting go of his childhood. You carry him in your womb for 9 months (although in Alex's case, he was anxious to get out around 6-1/2 months, but that's a whole other story...), then you nourish and nurture him for his whole childhood.

You change his diapers, rock him to sleep, smell his perfect little head at least 25 times a day, marvel when he learns to crawl and then worry when he learns to walk, read his favorite story "AGAIN!," take him to the doctor umpteen times for every little ailment, teach him to count and say his alphabet, kiss his boo-boos, teach him to be respectful, send him off to school with high hopes then have to learn to deal with ADHD and all the problems that brings into your lives, deal with his temper tantrums, cry with him when someone hurts his feelings, yell at him when he needs it (and sometimes when he doesn't really but you've had a really bad day), cross your fingers and yourself when you send him off to play down the street without you for the first time, remind him to do his homework, remind him again, yell at him when he still hasn't started his homework, cry with him and feel you've crushed his heart forever when you and your husband tell him you're getting divorced, feel your heart stop when your ex-husband calls and says he's taking him to the emergency room, feel your heart stop again when you find his lung has collapsed and he's going to need surgery, joke with him in pre-OP to keep him calm then kiss him goodbye and cry your eyes out after they wheel him to the OR, wring your hands and pray while he's in surgery, almost pass out when you see him in recovery wearing an oxygen mask, take turns sleeping next to his bed for the next few nights, go through it all again two months later when they repair the other lung, then stand proud and cry your eyes out the day he graduates high school.

Then you think "Well, I've done my job," and that now you won't have to worry quite so much. He's a young man now; you expect to be able to let go.  But, as John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." 

My baby is now a young man, but he still needs me, and I guess he always will to some degree. Right now I can't be there to nourish, but I nurture remotely, through my almost-daily letters and cards. I encourage, I uplift, I inform, I humor... I mother.  Good to know I'm still needed.

 (Thanks to Kaitlyn Daniels, wife of Alex's platoon buddy Dave Daniels, for the quote!)

4-Hour Pass

I JUST TALKED TO ALEX - AGAIN!!

He had a 4-hour pass today, so he was in the PX eating a cheesburger and fries and calling everyone he could get a hold of!  As on Monday, he sounds great - still just concerned about PT.  When Alex was little, he didn't like to practice anything - he wanted to do it perfectly right away, so I can understand why he's frustrated.  He also used to give up if he couldn't do it right he first time, so I give him a lot of credit for working so hard at it!!  Of course, he should have worked on his endurance before he left for Basic, but he knows that.  He'll get there, I know.

We talked for more than half an hour - it was so nice to have a leisurely talk for a change.  He told me all about his rifle training. He said he sucked when he first did it, but he's getting progressively better. He's saving his targets to show his dad when he gets home. I told him that his father has always gotten an "Expert Marksmanship" every year he requalifies, so he should work hard to show him up!! ;-)

He said he's going to go to Bible Study again, and he did attend a Protestant service one Sunday - he said it was "awesome! Much better than Catholic Church."  Yikes!!  I told him please just don't convert while he's there - his grandmother will have a stroke!  But I'm happy that he's going to any service at all.

It's a good thing he's spending a lot of time with God, because apparently, there is a lot of cursing and salty language in the Army! He said he was trying very, very hard to control his tongue while he was talking to me.  Even one of their cadences is "F***, F***, F***ity, F***"!!  Oh, those crazy drill sergeants!!!

Speaking of which - he's really upset because his favorite drill sergeant just got reassigned to another platoon. He likes the other guys, but Alex just felt a special affinity with this particular DS.  I can't believe they would do that in the middle of traning, but I guess one doesn't question the Army.

I'm still so excited that I can't remember the half of what we talked about, so I may update this post.  Just wanted to spread the joy!!

This has been such a great week; I talked to Alex twice and got to see pictures of him - I'm in Mommy heaven!!

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He just sent me a picture!

Communication Received!

Alex called me this evening!!

I told him I didn't expect to hear from him on a Monday (usually they let them call on Sundays), and he said they were all surprised, too when the drill sergeants told them they could call home.

He sounded really good and very happy!  He said he loves the training although he's still having a little trouble with his endurance in PT.  As soon as he said that, I immediately asked about his lungs, but he said that he's fine - it's just that he's still getting into shape.  He can do 48 sit-ups now and today he ran 2 miles without getting winded, but he still has a long way to go.

He said he went to a Bible Study today and that they took pictures. I just checked, and here he is!!!

Alex and his friend Dave Daniels at Bible Study

Oh my!!!  Look at that shaved head and huge glasses (they call them BCGs: Birth Control Glasses, LOL!!)  At least he had dark glasses before, so he doesn't look too different.  And look - he loves his mommy!!!!

We weren't able to talk long, but it was so wonderful hearing his voice!! And now it's wonderful to see his face!!!

Forward, Harch!!

Just got a letter from Alex, and he is moving forward in his training and doing better!

He says "I wake up every day and hate it here. But by the end of morning PT and breakfast, I'm okay. It's just the fact that I'm not a morning person. I'm so used to going to bed at 4 a.m., not waking up then."  He's not kidding about that! When he's not working, he will often stay up most of the night and sleep most of the day.  I was just hoping he'd be used to it by now, but honestly, who could get used to being forcibly woken up at 4 a.m. every day??

He likes the training and most of the people, but he says it's still so hard.  He said most of his drill sergeants are cool; he's looking forward to introducing me to them at graduation.

I was trying not to write him everyday because I didn't want him to get "smoked" (they make them do pushups for every letter they get; don't ask me to explain - it's the Army), but apparently he wants me to:  "Getting mail is the highlight of my day... So please write me a lot." 

And I'm sure he'd want to hear from anyone else who would like to write him or just send him a card of encouragement:

PVT. LEONE, ALEXANDER #319
CHARLIE COMPANY 1-19 IN, TF330
5550 LEONARD DRIVE
FORT BENNING, GA  31905

**Put a blue box around the address and a blue "3" on the

back, right side of the envelope**



I'm going to try to start writing him every day now, even if there's nothing exciting to report.  Then again... we have the Phillies!! I'm already keeping him posted about that.  His letter actually began:  "Good to hear about the Phillies winning the NL East for a 4th time in a row!"  It's so weird to think that they are so cut off from the world - he has no idea what's going on.  My last letter told him about Halladay's no-hitter! I can't wait until he hears about that!  I want him to have bragging rights in the barracks!

I'm so relieved to hear that he's doing better; it's been killing me not knowing for sure.

Fall Back

Apparently, at some point, every soldier in Basic Training writes home saying that they hate the Army, and that they want out.  Well, yesterday I got the letter from Alex. "Dear Mommy," it begins, "I hate it here."  The fact that he called me "Mommy" shows that it's pretty bad. He only calls me that when he wants something, when he's sick, or when he's really sad. It goes on to say that he feels like he's in a prison, that he has no freedom. He said he feels he can handle it physically, but not emotionally. He misses home; he dreams of home. He wishes he could just quit, but he can't. And again, he doesn't want to disappoint his father and me. I cried my eyes out reading how unhappy he is.

My first reaction was to get on a plane, fly down to Georgia, and shake my mommy finger in the face of his CO.  "My boy is not happy, so I'm taking him home! He doesn't want to play anymore."  My second reaction was to just respond to him, "Well, you knew what you were signing up for. Lighten up, Francis!"

All I can say is thank God I've been poking around online and reading everything I could about being an Army parent because I learned that this is normal and expected. One man even said that if you don't want to get out at some point, there's something wrong with you.  It's all part of the process - they tear you down and then build you up into something better than you were before.

I also learned exactly how to answer him. First, sympathize with how he's feeling, but don't dwell on it. Give him support, remind him why he chose this. Then change the subject to something lighthearted and fun.  So I did exactly that, and thank God the Phils won the NL East because not only did I have stuff to tell him, I had pictures, too! I took pictures off the television of the celebrations and printed out a few for him to see. And then I poked fun at myself, "Yes, I took pictures off the television. Yes, I know, I am a dork!"  It always makes him feel better to laugh at his dorky mother!

The letter was dated on Friday, September 24, so I'm hoping and praying that he's already doing better, and that by the time my letter reaches him, he's laughing about it.  I know that if he was really in a bad way, they would have contacted me.

It's funny - new parents always think they have it so hard. Staying up all night with a crying baby... the terrible twos... your kid picking up every illness possible in pre-school...  Those are the easy parts of raising a child. It's easy to take care of them, nurture them, and protect them.  The hard part is hoping you've done the best you can and then just... letting go.

*** UPDATE ***

Just got this email from Janet:

"we just got letters from alex! they were so sweet. he sent one to me and randy and one to the kids. he told the kids about one of the drill sergeants there who everyone says looks like buzz lightyear. and alex says he really does! he said the guy walked by his platoon and they sounded off with "to infinity and beyond!" the guy wasn't amused! then someone took down a picture of the drill sergeant and replaced it with a picture of buzz. the kids loved that story! meanwhile, he told us that it's really hard and told us all about the awful gas chamber thing. overall, he sounded good. the letters were dated the 25th, so i don't know if that's before or after the letter he wrote to you. we'll send our letters back right away."

I really hope this means he was feeling better about things by the next day. Janet doesn't think he was hiding anything in his letter to her and Randy. He told them about the gas chamber (which he didn't even tell me about), so he wasn't sugar coating anything. Fingers crossed!

Mail Call and Sick Call

I got my first letter from Alex over the weekend!! I'll share a bit of it here:

"Right now we haven't done too much. So far we've done a lot of PT and some team-building skills...  Today we did the Eagle Tower. It's like a giant 80 foot wood tower and one one side there's a huge cargo net to climb down. Then, my favorite. On the other side is a giant wall that you do a tactical rappel down. It was scary at first, but once I got it figured out, I had so much fun!"

Alex has always wanted to rappel down a building - between that and getting his rifle, he's in hog heaven!!

"Also, I hear we have the [tear] gas chamber this coming Thursday. However, I may miss it because I'll be on sick call for a while. I woke up this morning and felt like absolute crap - my throat is core, my nose is clogged, and I have chills when it's like 90º outside. I hope I don't have to recycle, but they're making me go so everyone else doesn't get sick."

Awww... my baby is sick - far, far away from home!  Sorry, that sent me into full on, overblown Mommy mode!!  The Army medical staff won't be able to take good enough care of him.  They don't know what kind of Gatorade he likes best.  They don't have the recipe for Mom Mom's soup.  I'll bet there's no TV in sick call - who's going to sit with him and watch old '70s TV shows on TV Land?  And it's killing me that I can't call him to ask how he's feeling.

And I certainly hope he doesn't have to recycle - I know he's not very far in, but it would be a shame to have to start over. And then he probably wouldn't graduate before Christmas!  Now I really can't wait to get a second letter. He said he'd keep me updated.

Thanks, as always, for letting me share!!

Uncle Hulka?

The "Big Toe"

"Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same."

 Alex has learned Lesson #1:  The US Army is nothing like Stripes, and his Drill Sergeants are not like "Uncle Hulka."

Alex called last night.  On Friday they took the bus from Reception down range to where the real training starts.  He said as they got off the bus, they were greeted with shouts of "GET OFF THE BUS!! MOVE IT!!" while smoke bombs and flash bangs were being set off around them. Their duffle bags were dumped in a pile, and they had to try to find theirs through the smoke, and line up.

"It was awesome!" is exactly what he said.

Alex sounded so good!! He said was psyched because he had just been issued his rifle.  I asked him if he liked the training so far and he said he loves it and hates it. I told him that was perfectly normal and to be expected.  He also said the drill sergeants are "dicks."  (He apologized for his language, but I let it go!)  But he said they are also really nice guys. The drill sergeants rag on the National Guard guys, and then later tell them that they really respect what the Guard does.  He knows that it's all an act to tear them down and then build them up - he's dealing okay with it. 

He couldn't really talk long and he probably won't be able to call again until White Phase is over, which is about three weeks. We were about to hang up when he said, "Wait, I want to say something."  He then proceeded to tell me that after the first day, he was ready to quit. But then he thought of me and his father, and he didn't want to let us down. He said he's quit so many things in his life - wanting to be a filmmaker, school, his job - that he didn't want to disappoint us again.  I told him that if he quit, he wouldn't disappoint us, he'd be disappointing himself.  I told him how proud of him his father and I are, and that to just keep trying his best. Of course, I was crying by the time we hung up - I am so very proud of him!!!

I worry about him every day:  I worry about his lungs holding out; I worry about him missing home; I worry about his mental health; I worry about him coming home, starting school, and then getting deployed to Afghanistan...  But I know this is also an amazing time in his life, and that no matter what, he'll be fine because he's growing into a man with ambition and conviction - and he's got such a good, loving heart on top of it all!

I'm writing to him today and will include any well wishes in my letter. Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement you've all been giving to Alex, and to me as well!!