Fall Back

Apparently, at some point, every soldier in Basic Training writes home saying that they hate the Army, and that they want out.  Well, yesterday I got the letter from Alex. "Dear Mommy," it begins, "I hate it here."  The fact that he called me "Mommy" shows that it's pretty bad. He only calls me that when he wants something, when he's sick, or when he's really sad. It goes on to say that he feels like he's in a prison, that he has no freedom. He said he feels he can handle it physically, but not emotionally. He misses home; he dreams of home. He wishes he could just quit, but he can't. And again, he doesn't want to disappoint his father and me. I cried my eyes out reading how unhappy he is.

My first reaction was to get on a plane, fly down to Georgia, and shake my mommy finger in the face of his CO.  "My boy is not happy, so I'm taking him home! He doesn't want to play anymore."  My second reaction was to just respond to him, "Well, you knew what you were signing up for. Lighten up, Francis!"

All I can say is thank God I've been poking around online and reading everything I could about being an Army parent because I learned that this is normal and expected. One man even said that if you don't want to get out at some point, there's something wrong with you.  It's all part of the process - they tear you down and then build you up into something better than you were before.

I also learned exactly how to answer him. First, sympathize with how he's feeling, but don't dwell on it. Give him support, remind him why he chose this. Then change the subject to something lighthearted and fun.  So I did exactly that, and thank God the Phils won the NL East because not only did I have stuff to tell him, I had pictures, too! I took pictures off the television of the celebrations and printed out a few for him to see. And then I poked fun at myself, "Yes, I took pictures off the television. Yes, I know, I am a dork!"  It always makes him feel better to laugh at his dorky mother!

The letter was dated on Friday, September 24, so I'm hoping and praying that he's already doing better, and that by the time my letter reaches him, he's laughing about it.  I know that if he was really in a bad way, they would have contacted me.

It's funny - new parents always think they have it so hard. Staying up all night with a crying baby... the terrible twos... your kid picking up every illness possible in pre-school...  Those are the easy parts of raising a child. It's easy to take care of them, nurture them, and protect them.  The hard part is hoping you've done the best you can and then just... letting go.

*** UPDATE ***

Just got this email from Janet:

"we just got letters from alex! they were so sweet. he sent one to me and randy and one to the kids. he told the kids about one of the drill sergeants there who everyone says looks like buzz lightyear. and alex says he really does! he said the guy walked by his platoon and they sounded off with "to infinity and beyond!" the guy wasn't amused! then someone took down a picture of the drill sergeant and replaced it with a picture of buzz. the kids loved that story! meanwhile, he told us that it's really hard and told us all about the awful gas chamber thing. overall, he sounded good. the letters were dated the 25th, so i don't know if that's before or after the letter he wrote to you. we'll send our letters back right away."

I really hope this means he was feeling better about things by the next day. Janet doesn't think he was hiding anything in his letter to her and Randy. He told them about the gas chamber (which he didn't even tell me about), so he wasn't sugar coating anything. Fingers crossed!

Mail Call and Sick Call

I got my first letter from Alex over the weekend!! I'll share a bit of it here:

"Right now we haven't done too much. So far we've done a lot of PT and some team-building skills...  Today we did the Eagle Tower. It's like a giant 80 foot wood tower and one one side there's a huge cargo net to climb down. Then, my favorite. On the other side is a giant wall that you do a tactical rappel down. It was scary at first, but once I got it figured out, I had so much fun!"

Alex has always wanted to rappel down a building - between that and getting his rifle, he's in hog heaven!!

"Also, I hear we have the [tear] gas chamber this coming Thursday. However, I may miss it because I'll be on sick call for a while. I woke up this morning and felt like absolute crap - my throat is core, my nose is clogged, and I have chills when it's like 90º outside. I hope I don't have to recycle, but they're making me go so everyone else doesn't get sick."

Awww... my baby is sick - far, far away from home!  Sorry, that sent me into full on, overblown Mommy mode!!  The Army medical staff won't be able to take good enough care of him.  They don't know what kind of Gatorade he likes best.  They don't have the recipe for Mom Mom's soup.  I'll bet there's no TV in sick call - who's going to sit with him and watch old '70s TV shows on TV Land?  And it's killing me that I can't call him to ask how he's feeling.

And I certainly hope he doesn't have to recycle - I know he's not very far in, but it would be a shame to have to start over. And then he probably wouldn't graduate before Christmas!  Now I really can't wait to get a second letter. He said he'd keep me updated.

Thanks, as always, for letting me share!!

Uncle Hulka?

The "Big Toe"

"Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same."

 Alex has learned Lesson #1:  The US Army is nothing like Stripes, and his Drill Sergeants are not like "Uncle Hulka."

Alex called last night.  On Friday they took the bus from Reception down range to where the real training starts.  He said as they got off the bus, they were greeted with shouts of "GET OFF THE BUS!! MOVE IT!!" while smoke bombs and flash bangs were being set off around them. Their duffle bags were dumped in a pile, and they had to try to find theirs through the smoke, and line up.

"It was awesome!" is exactly what he said.

Alex sounded so good!! He said was psyched because he had just been issued his rifle.  I asked him if he liked the training so far and he said he loves it and hates it. I told him that was perfectly normal and to be expected.  He also said the drill sergeants are "dicks."  (He apologized for his language, but I let it go!)  But he said they are also really nice guys. The drill sergeants rag on the National Guard guys, and then later tell them that they really respect what the Guard does.  He knows that it's all an act to tear them down and then build them up - he's dealing okay with it. 

He couldn't really talk long and he probably won't be able to call again until White Phase is over, which is about three weeks. We were about to hang up when he said, "Wait, I want to say something."  He then proceeded to tell me that after the first day, he was ready to quit. But then he thought of me and his father, and he didn't want to let us down. He said he's quit so many things in his life - wanting to be a filmmaker, school, his job - that he didn't want to disappoint us again.  I told him that if he quit, he wouldn't disappoint us, he'd be disappointing himself.  I told him how proud of him his father and I are, and that to just keep trying his best. Of course, I was crying by the time we hung up - I am so very proud of him!!!

I worry about him every day:  I worry about his lungs holding out; I worry about him missing home; I worry about his mental health; I worry about him coming home, starting school, and then getting deployed to Afghanistan...  But I know this is also an amazing time in his life, and that no matter what, he'll be fine because he's growing into a man with ambition and conviction - and he's got such a good, loving heart on top of it all!

I'm writing to him today and will include any well wishes in my letter. Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement you've all been giving to Alex, and to me as well!!

Locked and Loaded

Alex is heading "down range" today, which means that he's moving out of the holding pattern of Reception and is finally starting his training. His dog tags are around his neck, his hair is freshly cut, his duffle bag is packed, and he's ready to start!

I talked to him a lot while he was in Reception, and I sensed a mixture of emotions from him: excitement, boredom, fatigue, happiness, worry, fear, anticipation...  but the main thing that struck me is how different he sounded. He didn't sound as goofy as he normally does - he sounded very chill and very mature. He sounded like a MAN, and I have to admit, it kinda freaked me out.

I asked him last night if he was holding back on the phone because he's with a bunch of people he doesn't really know well.  But he said they're all a bunch of goofs and that he wasn't holding back. It's weird that even though he hasn't yet started the hard part of his training, he already sounds different.  Admittedly, I've been a bit of an overprotective mother, so I attribute it to his really being on his own for the first time. I think he's finally enjoying some independence. He also is very aware of how important and serious this whole experience is, and he's ready to face his future.

Once again - shock and awe.

He also told me some really wonderful news - they moved up his graduation to the week before Christmas. So when he comes home, he'll stay for good!  It will make Christmastime a little crazy for me, but I don't care - I already got my Christmas present!!

At Ease

Alex is being eased into Army life.  He hasn't started Basic Training yet - he's still in Reception, which, according to the Fort Benning website, is where my son is being "received and processed."  He is also beginning the "Soldierization process."  As my sister Janet said, he's being SOLDIERIZED FOR OUR PROTECTION!!

Apparently, part of the receiving and processing and solderizing involves my son hanging out in his bunk a lot and eating cheeseburgers, corn dogs, ribs, and biscuits that are so delicious, you don't even need to butter them. 

I will be joining the National Guard next week.

In between the eating and the laying around, he's bored out of his skull.  He has actually been calling me just to talk.  He called my mother last night also just to talk - of course, it involved him talking and her crying. 

I asked him if they're at least making them do PT, but he said not yet. I told him he should probably start running off the biscuits and corn dogs on his own.

However, all of this will change very soon - it looks like he's going into Basic on Friday.  I imagine there will be no laying around, no ribs,  no buttery biscuits.  They're buttering HIM up right now, just to tear him down soon.

I hope to talk to him at least one more time before he goes incommunicado.  He promises to write a lot!  We'll see if he has the energy to pick up a pen once he gets started. 

Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen

Okay, that title's a little dramatic, but it worked for M*A*S*H, and it's in keeping with the military theme I'm going for.

I just wanted to share a couple of pictures I took the night Alex left for Basic.  My family came over to wish him well, and a couple of his buddies stopped by, too.

Red, white and blue sprinkled cupcakes with Army Men. Appropriate, no?

Alex and Cousin Lisa

Alex and Aunt Joanie

Mom Mom was about to kiss him, but I just missed it.  She held it together amazing well - better than I did. We cried together over the phone the next morning.  I'm sorry I didn't get a picture with Pop Pop.

Most of Alex's friends have left for school, but Greg and Dave were able to stop by. They've been friends since middle school. One of Alex's other best buds is already at Fort Benning. I hope they run into each other while they're there!

I had completely forgotten to ask someone to take my picture with Alex, so he snapped this right before we walked out the door. Yes, I had already been crying.

I dropped Alex off at the hotel where he had to stay overnight (Crowne Plaza in Cherry Hill - not too shabby for the military!).  I cried a little when I kissed and hugged him goodbye, but I fell apart in the parking lot.  I had to sit and cry for a few minutes before I could even drive home.

It's a tough thing, saying goodbye to your baby.  We all know it's going to happen someday, but we're never fully prepared for the feeling.  I just keep telling myself that he's doing something that makes him happy and proud, and no mother could ask for more.

Hooah, schmook!!! I love you!!

Move 'em out...

After the preparation, anticipation, and vacation, the time has come for resignation:  tomorrow, Alex begins his career with the Army National Guard.  I dropped him off about an hour ago.  The nest is officially empty.

I thought my first post after he was gone would be filled with philosophical musings, but right now I just feel two basic emotions:  sadness and pride.  I will miss my boy more than I can say, but I am so proud of what he's doing and the man he's becoming.  He's got a world of possibilities ahead of him - what an exciting time in his life!!

*** UPDATE: Wednesday, September 8 ***

Alex unexpectedly went straight to Fort Benning today. He was supposed to stay at Fort Dix in NJ for about a week. Instead, they flew them down to Georgia this afternoon.  Not sure when I'll hear from him again.